Confessions of a Thinkative Mind

A twice-removed cousin announced recently that I had a thinkative mind. I tried dissing her callous portmanteau saying that the intended (intellectual) slur just wasn’t worth involving utter mediocrity in the evolution of language. In reality, I didn’t want to be called thinkative and hence, thought-out an intelligent-sounding argument to make her look stupid. And if she hadn’t been eleven-and-a-half years old, I’d have labeled her an insecure, little sesquipedalophobic!adnanramin@wordpress.com

As I pondered my own label later that night – it dawned on me that I was, indeed, quite thinkative.  You see, I am not too talkative …but quite quiet and reflective. But, ask me to write and you’ll see! That’s just proof that the grey matter is actually bustling with activity. In fact, given the amount of thinking I think I do, the term ‘thinker’ appears no longer sufficient. Therefore, I am hereby coining the word ‘thinkative’ – an illicit child of think and active. Thinkative, then, is a constant, ostensible state of absorption and dwelling in deep, random thoughts with or without enlightenment or behavioral-change as an outcome of such thinking.

And since with this blog-post I am first to claim credit for the innovation, that tiny twat (the twice-removed cousin) must not be acknowledged any further. Moreover, she had used it as a smear – whereas I have contemplated the concept and squandered much meaning on the word. Thus, the thinkater, who can often be beyond trivial ideas like plagiarism, becomes the true owner of the notion. Incidentally, we thinkaters are also very credit-hungry and must be referenced in writing, speech and even thought.

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A thinkater derives utility out of thinking of great ideas and concepts – though not always grasping them in their entirety or building upon them. However, just by thinking about …let’s say Microcredit – (s)he can siphon off and add to his repertoire, some of its inherent significance. The very thought (and not knowledge) of the European Debt Crisis enriches his faculties. A Thinkater posts a pro-Palestinian poster on his profile / blog – and the grave, historical burden and complexity of the Arab-Israeli conflict descends upon his self. Also, It is thonkated that with many such intense thoughts, one can ascend to the ‘expert’ level.

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Thinkater Karl Pilkington proved the Earth wasn’t round – his head was.

As the notion grew in my head, I began to see that I wasn’t alone – there were others like me. People …ordinary in appearance, shabby in attire, slight in built and humble in countenance – but, in reality, true thinkaters – silently pondering things of and not of the Earth. If you must know, the matir manush / salt-of-the-earth appearance is often carefully contrived to showcase just how lost in thinkation we are. Low-level thinkaters dipping into matters like how the hoodie blocks peripheral view or how the neck-tie is a colonial symbol …often overlook under-dressing.

But to be taken seriously, one must also act the part. I feel there are certain traits that make people (appear) thinkative. Talk of cryptic stories, exotic cultures, esoteric art-forms and opaque characters – in gratuitously technical / antiquated linguistics is a common strategy. Throw in some random insertions of ‘contingent’, ‘profligate’, ‘dissonance’ etc and you’re good to go. Sometimes, using made-up words swiftly and profidentially will do the trick. When there aren’t enough long, vacuous words to embody lofty thoughts, remember Dr. Drake Ramoray’s reconciliation of the entertainer-who-was-also-a-minister – to the beautiful ‘ministainer’.

Referencing / quoting shady (i.e. fictional) characters and avoiding pop-culture references work well too. Drawing out sentence endings like you’re asking a question, as done by the pseudo-thinkater Ms. Kardashian, helps convey the image that there’s plenty more to come. Like the tone, leave discussions hanging – since no real knowledgeable person actually ever says anything conclusive.

Statistics, cited preemptively with a source, can be very powerful. Personally, I will usually indicate something like http://www.cia.gov (yes .gov, not .com) and imply that the other person probably doesn’t have a level-4 clearance. On the other hand, to diss someone citing statistics, I’ve been known to quote Benjamin Disraeli with ‘there are three types of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics’. The last resort is often poetry and scripture – since both are frequently cited wrongly and out-of-context by thinkaters.

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The same precocious (twice-removed) cousin, upon hearing of my thinkation, announced that I was a ‘ginger-merchant researching ships’! Arghh …don’t you just hate when psycho-babbling, tiny tots can spew proverbs? Proverbs are like crystallized wisdom from antiquity and as such, difficult to refute. But the thinkative mind learns to deal with such malice. Consider the laughable adage ‘those who can’t do – teach; those who can’t even teach – think.” Don’t worry, we will soon out-thinkate such profanity with a blitz of half-truths, quasi-facts and pseudo-knowledge.

The opportunity lies in the growing apathy for learning worldwide. As textbooks fill up with political quotes and assignments are copy-pasted, manuals become reading-material and Cosmo is considered literature, historians stop debating and MPs reach accords, academicians line-up for corporate funding and holy-men sell God in mysterious ways …therein lies our opportunity.

adnanramin@wordpress.com
Trainee Thinkater reading Sun Tzu (photo ranker.com)

As nations turn away from history, books and even Wiki – glib, effusive thinkaters are taking center-stage: thinking of things beyond them, speaking of what they know not. Through talk-shows and op-ed pieces, subliminal streams and ivy-league seminars – thinkaters will coach and steer you with ideas like ‘feed democracy to the Famished’, ‘it’s our freedom they hate’, ‘loan your debt away’ and ‘eat less’. That’s the vacuum commoners leave when they stop thinking for themselves.

After ages of prophet-punting, heretic-hunting and brainiac-bashing – the age of the thinkative mind is finally here. So, all you thinkaters out there, thinkating on the direst of human conditions, toughest of intergalactic paradoxes, niftiest of debt instruments and the most baffling of subatomic particle travel-patterns …come out, come out, wherever you are.

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