Mourning Dreams Come True

Rejoice all ye vile people!

Your wife may leave you, your children disown you, your superhero archenemy break you, your dealer desert you – but you will not be alone in death. Not everyone will celebrate when you finally bite the dust. A UK company is now renting out professional mourners @ £45 per person on a two-hour basis. Of course, mourners may or may not drink themselves silly once the two hours are over.

Mourners for Hire @
Mourners for $68 – tears are $1 a drop! (Photo:

The company will send fake ‘friends’ to attend and grieve, sob, dab-eyes etc at your funeral. They will mingle and eat up your finger-food too! And the grieving is a professional service – complete with top-grade acting, real tears and online booking. They’ll also go ‘aww’ at eulogies and laugh at awkward jokes by Uncle Mike.

To help the hired grievers fit in, the actors will be briefed about your life so that they can talk to other funeral-goers as if you had been friends. According to the company. “We will take your guidance on how you would like us to integrate and mix with your other guests.” Just imagine how bewildered and envious your estranged wife would be!

Huffpost, without noting the sheer stupidity of the idea, says its could become a thing. The UK fakers are are inspired by the Fake-Mourner market in China. In the Mid-East, professional ‘Wailers’ or crying women will beat their chest, shake their heads in denial and wail for a fee.

You can probably order by skin-color, height and bust-size. Whether they’ll bang the widow(er) is not known yet. What I want to know is  whether they would also follow a blog for money.

Meanwhile,long queues were reported in front of East 15 Acting School as the ability to cry on demand was billed to become the next big thing since programming.

Rent a Mourner Now!

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