So You Think You Know Me, Google?

I hate the way you act so familiar, Google. The way you’re all smooth and suave as you slip in a suggestion or two before I can finish typing in my search. Why am I even typing if I don’t already know the question? Just give me the answers. Oh! I forgot! You don’t have any answers. All you have is snooping data: X site has answers. So, why are you so haughty, you voyeur? “Relax O Mortal – I know what you seek. Is it …this? Erm …this? How ’bout this?” No, Google. You don’t know me! You don’t know what I’m looking for today …or any day! I am unpredictable. I will bank left, duck and run to the right. Like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. I will type in questions that I don’t need answered, just to see you kick yourself. Autocomplete that, jerk!

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Google seems to imply that men, dogs and cats are constantly intrigued by nipples, poop and St. Patrick’s Day

Despite your claims that you can predict Box Office hits based on search patterns – you have no knowledge of the Future. You’re no prophet. Recall that a while back, I was Googling (I hate that pseudo-verb!) ‘how can government shut down?’ and only managed to type up to ‘can’. And you were there in a leap – like a chivalrous, presumptuous geek – with your suggestions. “How can …”

  • …I keep from singing
  • …she slap me
  • …you get herpes

Why were you making me sound like an obsessive crooner who’s probably also a part-time serial-killer? And why would I be seeking to rationalize why she slapped me? Besides, there were no witnesses (I know, I tried to sue). You would probably suggest that it was the singing. And the Herpes! Sheesh! You show one STD or the other to everyone Googling ‘how can’. It’s a sickness, Google! Get help. And you don’t have to finish my sentences. You’re not my girlfriend! You can’t give me STD! Listen Google, an invitation to hang for a bit is not the same as a license to snoop through my wallet …if you get my drift. But I know you don’t.

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Monkey business running amuck on Google (photo: Buzzfeed)

Pretentious articles claim that your autocomplete uses an algorithm that factors in the popularity of search phrases, my location, freshness of query and my previous searches. Given that I’ve never had reason to suspect I have Herpes and it’s somewhat uncommon in my location (as is the Internet) – Bing suggests a 88% probability that it is you who’s been secretly researching Herpes, causing it to show up on my taskbar. But before you rush off to clear your browsing history, look at these ads that UN Women developed, utilizing your bigotry and compulsive-profiling to raise awareness and better our society.

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But that we can make lemonade with the metaphorical lemons you offer – doesn’t change anything. I still hate that a new tab on Chrome shows 8 most visited sites. It’s really quite simple: I KNOW WHAT SITES I VISIT! And no, I’ve never been to that pornsite that you keep posting there. Neither is the pharmaceutical site peddling cheap antidepressants any reflection of what I’ve searched. It was, in all probability, you, Google! And even on YouTube, you are constantly recommending ‘Green Paradise – Erotic (Full Movie)’ and ‘4 Midgets Relay Race Against a Camel’. While I have been occasionally amused by breakdancing little-people – it is wrong of you to reduce me to my search phrases & clicks.

Stop assuming that I am incapable of spontaneity and evolution.

9 thoughts on “So You Think You Know Me, Google?

  1. far out! maybe we should ditch google…on the other hand that could be a tad difficult as it seems to have inveigled its way into so many of the programs I use and all those permissions I’ve given. probably have to totally reinvent myself and the ‘wheel’ ? Gosh….I’m not sure where we are headed.

    • Yeah, no – can’t ditch Google. We got this love-hate thing going. And as much as I hate to admit, It has done a great job of syncing everything in all kinds of devices. Just wish it didn’t get so pushy at times, you know?

  2. LOL this post amused me no end although I think, in the end, I disagree. I actually find Google eerily accurate at predicting what I was about to write and you find that as you type more words the Google search gets more accurate.

    I remember reading from one Bangladeshi reporter recently how disgusted he was when typing in certain words how much porn references Google provided. I tried the same references and there was no hint of porn from my Google. I don’t think he quite realised that part of the algorithm IS based on your own searches and he had, to an extent, revealed to the whole world just what he gets up to in his spare time without realising it.

    I know it can be irritating some of the nonsense Google comes up with but I also find it fascinating. The adverts for women’s rights you displayed prove the point. Google shows you something of what society is thinking and those thoughts are really quite strange, my friend. And if you doubt it, you should see some of things googled that lead people to my blog. You would think I ran some kind of S & M kinky porn blog site – and these people FOUND my blog through those terms!

    In the end, we can ignore Google search and just keep typing what we were after. It’s not typecasting you. It’s a computerised tool and as such is no big deal – take it or leave it. But for those of us more predictable than you (clearly you’re unique :) ), it’s a useful time-saver. I research on Google literally hundreds of times per week and those seconds saved add up to enough time to write a response to something like this post! Win-win :)

    • Hahaha …hello Ken. Good points. I couldn’t do without autocomplete myself. It’s useful and insightful at the same time. Some suggestions are plain funny.

      I’d have to agree that Google is horribly accurate in predicting my searches too. And this is really a backhanded tribute to Google, while poking fun at myself. Anyhoo – too bad my secret fascination with little people is now out in the open. But given that I got to personify Google and give her a verbal thrashing …makes it worth it :D

  3. This is hilarious..your tongue in cheek lambasting of Google strikes a chord wherever there are people hunched over computers and searching stuff on that huge, amorphous oracle we call the internet. :) Pretty good read! Keep them coming!

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